


Divide

by zimnyayazola



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-07-21
Packaged: 2018-10-09 20:10:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10420617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zimnyayazola/pseuds/zimnyayazola
Summary: despite the divide, everything seems to fall into place





	1. Happier

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be updated as each chapter is added. Rating may change? But probably not.
> 
> Anything you recognize isn't mine.

He hates that he’s drawn to this man. He wishes he could just go about his life without being tied to any of this. He wants to disappear, start a new life with a new name, somewhere far away from Hydra, New York,  _ Steve _ . He wants to run and never look back but he knows he won’t ever be able to, not when  _ he’s  _ still alive. His last mission. He failed. It itches at him deep under his skin.  _ Kill Steve Rogers. Kill Captain America. _ He must. He needs to stop this feeling that burns like hot coals in his lungs. But he can’t. Not when the pain he feels looking into Steve’s eyes hurts more than the pain of not killing him. He has to know why. Maybe then he’ll be able to complete the mission and  _ finally _ he can live in peace. 

So he goes to the museum. Mission: find his weaknesses or anything to use against him. 

He isn’t prepared for what he finds. As he stares at the life size picture of a tiny version of Steve, he remembers a time he mocked Steve for his height. He remembers a pain in his shoulder when Steve retaliated. He remembers grinning even though it actually hurt. He remembers the tight seal of Steve’s lips as he tried not to let a smile slip through. He remembers ruffling Steve’s hair, the smooth strands running through the fingers of a flesh left hand. He can almost feel the phantom of Steve’s touch as he slapped his hand away. He remembers and it’s  _ amazing. _

He really is this man that used to be Steve Roger’s best friend. He’s really Bucky. 

He’s not sure if that’s good or bad. 

 

 

 

Logically, Bucky starts following Steve. If he sees him more, the memories should start coming back, right? The more that he remembers, the more he thinks talking to Steve would be a terrible idea. The Bucky he is now is drastically different than the Bucky he was back then. Old Bucky was charming, funny, determined, energetic, and full of life. New Bucky is broken, on edge, struggles with daily activities that include loud noises, and is waiting for something bad to happen. The only thing they have in common is how much they love Steve.

He’s surprised when he remembers just how much Steve means to him. It happens as he’s sitting across from the coffee shop Steve’s in, watching as Steve brings the cup to his lips, takes a drink, and draws back quickly, wincing. Bucky’s mind drifts back to a time when skinny Steve lay sick in bed. He’s wrought with worry.  _ What if Steve doesn’t make it? What if this is the one Steve can’t get up from?  _ He can’t lose him, can’t lose the person most important to him. If he lost Steve, he’d lose a part of himself. He loves this boy too much for him to die. What surprises Bucky the most about that particular memory isn’t that he’s in love with Steve - it’s that they’re so  _ young _ . Bucky couldn’t have been more than 15 when he realized he was in love with his best friend.

But how could he not be in love with this man? He’s fucking Captain America. A perfect gentleman, kind, loyal, sweet, generous, and all kinds of amazing things Bucky can’t think of. Hell, last week, he’d seen Steve help an old lady cross the street. It’s ridiculous how perfect Steve is. Even two weeks after realizing he’s still in love with him, Bucky can’t stop thinking about him. He’s so lost in thinking about Steve, he almost forgets he’s supposed to be  _ hiding _ from him.

Steve doesn’t see him because all he’s looking at is the man beside him. His smile is brighter than any he remembers. He’s got a hand on the man’s shoulder. The man is smiling equally as wide, laughing at something one of them must’ve said.

Jealousy strikes through him like a knife. Who would’ve thought seeing Steve with someone else would hurt his heart as much as brainwashing? He’s disgusted with himself. Steve isn’t his. He’s wrong to feel this way over someone who doesn’t belong to him, not that Steve ever would. They’re obviously together, judging from the looks on their faces.

The other man suddenly swings out a foot, tripping Steve, but Steve still has a hold on him. They both fall and land in a pile, laughing still as they untangle themselves from each other. Bucky can see the other man’s lingering touches and he hates him. 

Steve was always so tense with him in their older years. He leaned away from touches, stopped making as much eye contact, and moved away when he noticed they were touching longer than usual. It was Bucky’s fault of course. He was always going out with different girls every week and bringing them home. It was bound to piss off Steve at some point. He was inconsiderate and it hurt their friendship. Bucky thrived off their easy relationship back then. It was all he could hope to have with Steve. He wouldn’t have responded well to knowing his best friend loved him more than just a friend. The new tense Steve hurt Bucky more than he thought it would. 

 

 

 

One of the things he hates the most about New Superhuman Asset Bucky is his inability to get drunk. Five drinks in and he isn’t even feeling tipsy. He can’t think of anything else to get Steve out of his head.  _ Can Steve get drunk? _

“Is this seat taken?” The voice is familiar but he can’t quite place it until he turns and takes in the redhead staring at him.  _ Fuck. _

“No.” Keep it simple. Maybe she won’t recognize who he is.  _ Yeah, and maybe she’s not the Widow today. _

She sits and extends her hand. “I don’t think we’ve formally met. I’m Natasha.” 

He forces himself to move. “I know.”

She’s silent for a bit. He’s itching to leave, itching to fight his way out if that’s what it came to. But he stays. She’s Steve’s friend.

“We met when you were 12 by the way.” He takes a drink.  _ How much straight alcohol would kill me?  _ “Cute kid.”

“I didn’t think you’d remember that.” She sounds surprised. 

“I remember everything that happened after they took me.”  _ Why that and not everything from before? _

“Even that one time-”

“Yes.” Bucky flushes. He didn’t think he could do that anymore.

They’re silent. Bucky finishes his drink.

“Steve’s worried, you know.”

Bucky scoffs. “Of course he is. He’s Steve.”

“If you just talk to him-”

“No.” Bucky turns to look at her. “I can’t. I’m not the same Bucky he remembers. He’ll be happier without me.”

“You’d be happier with him.” Natasha sighs. “Think for yourself for once in 70 years.”

She waits for a reply that isn’t coming and stands when she doesn’t get what she wants. 

“You know where to find him when you get your head out of your ass.”

She leaves and Bucky’s alone at the bar.

 

 

 

He can’t believe he’s doing this. Is he really doing this?  _ Oh god, the elevator is moving I need out- _

“Should I notify the hospital, Mr. Barnes? Your heart rate is rather high.”

_ The fucking tower is talking. _ “No.”

Bucky tries to calm his breathing. He’s a fucking world class assassin. He shouldn’t be this freaked out by the thought of seeing Steve. He’d just seen him two days ago, there’s no reason to be nervous about seeing him today. He’s just Steve. Bucky clenches his fists and readies himself for what will be on the other side when the doors open.

But nothing could prepare him for the tears in Steve’s eyes when he comes into view. Bucky hesitantly steps out. Him and Steve are the only ones in the room.

“Don’t cry. You’ll get sick.”

Steve is in his arms before he can blink. It feels like coming home. 

“Steve, I-”

“No, don’t. Nat said you were wallowing in self pity. You aren’t allowed to say anything self deprecating.” 

Bucky smiles. He’s glad Steve hasn’t changed. 

“Steve.” 

“What?”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you, too, Buck.” Steve pulls away and glares at him. “Where have you been?”

“Around. I’ve seen you a few times.” He swallows his jealousy and makes an attempt at teasing. “Who’s the guy you were all into?”

“What? Sam? We’re friends. Seriously.” Steve smiles. “Are you jealous? No one can take your place so don’t worry. I’m still with you. ‘Til the end of the line, remember?”

“Yeah,” Bucky whispers. Steve has so much hope in his eyes, Bucky can’t stand it. He doesn’t deserve it. “I’m not the same as I was before, Steve.”

“That’s ok. I’m not the same either. War changes people.” Steve leads him to the sofa. “Torture changes people.”

Steve’s still holding onto his hand and Bucky’s confused, but not complaining. “I’ll understand if you don’t want to deal with my problems. You don’t have to pause your life or anything. Move on. Go out with your friends.”

“Bucky-”

“If you don’t let me say this, I’m never going to.”

Steve mimes zipping his lips. Bucky shakes his head.  _ Dork _ . 

“I want to stay.” Steve smiles. “But I need to be completely honest with you. I already died with this secret once. I’m not going to do it again.”

Steve looks concerned and Bucky continues.

“I’ve loved you since we were 15. I still do. In a not friendly way. In a I don’t ever want to be without you kind of way. As in  _ in  _ love with you Steve. Why are you laughing?”  _ I fucking knew it. I never should’ve come _ . “You could be a little more considerate-”

“Bucky. You already told me that.” Steve is grinning. Bucky wants to punch him.

“What? When?”

“1945. The night before you died actually. And you did a lot more than just tell me, too.” Steve winks. Bucky might actually leave. 

“What happened?”

“Just like this.” Steve takes his hand again, bringing it up to his lips and kissing the back of it. “‘Steve, I really, really like you. As in not friends. As in I want to kiss you.’”

“And after that?”

“Why don’t I show you?” 


	2. Hearts Don't Break Around Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry this took so long for me to write, but life got in the way.

Steve’s hair is ridiculously soft when he lets it grow out a little. It's nowhere near Bucky’s length, but just enough that Bucky can run his fingers through (and pull, but Bucky is definitely _not_ thinking about that right now).

Steve suddenly turns in his arms to see his face. “Are you Hufflepuff or Slytherin?”

“What?”

“I think you could definitely be either. You're cunning and determined when you want to be so I think you'd fit in Slytherin. But you're also super loyal and would do anything for your friends.” He pauses and glares at him a little. “You would literally die for your friends. Definitely Hufflepuff.”

“What are you talking about?” Bucky’s confused but Steve is entertaining when he rants.

Said man looks offended. “You haven't seen Harry Potter yet?”

“No, am I supposed to?”

“You need to. It's so amazing. The author of the books made up this whole magical world, Buck, it’s awesome. It's fascinating that she put so much time into it.” Steve shifts out of his arms and stands. “We’re going to watch it.”

Bucky laughs. “What if I don’t want to?”

The other man stops moving and smiles sheepishly. “We can do something else if you want.”

“I'm kidding. Turn it on and come back. I'm cold.”

He does just that and returns to the bed. “Why am I always the little spoon?”

“We can switch if you want. I just like holding you. I'm fine with being big or little.” Bucky smiles. “You being the little spoon reminds me of before.”

“We can stay like this. I don’t mind,” Steve says. “I like being the little spoon anyway.”

“Punk. Why ask then?” Bucky scoffs.

Steve softly touches the hand Bucky has wrapped around his middle. “Just wondering. It reminds me of back then, too. I have to be strong all the time now. It's nice to be held and taken care of once in a while.”

Bucky kisses his hair - the only place he can reach in this position. “You don’t need to be anything when you're with me. Just be Steve.”

“Thank you, Bucky.”

He snuggles in closer and Bucky silently asks any god listening for his body to not react. He still needs to get through this entire movie. Steve wants him to watch it so he has to pay attention. The movie starts and actually distracts him pretty well. Steve makes the occasional comment, but stays mostly quiet until it’s over. He shifts around until he’s facing Bucky.

“What do you think?” he asks.

“You're definitely a Gryffindor. You are the personification of the ‘idiotic Gryffindor shit for your friends’ idea.”

“Wow, what a big word.” Steve grins and punches his shoulder.

“Hey, what was that for?” He rubs his arm, pouting.

“I'm not idiotic.”

“Yes, of course, because someone who jumps out of planes without a parachute is anything but idiotic.” Bucky rolls his eyes and lays back, pulling Steve on top of him.

“You're never going to let that go, are you?”

“Nope.” Bucky closes his eyes. “Turn off the light. I'm tired.”

Steve reaches over him to turn off the lamp on Bucky's side of the bed. “Lazy ass.”

“Shh. You love me.” Bucky wraps himself back around Steve in the darkness.

“Hey, Bucky?” Steve asks quietly.

“Yeah?”

“We’re really in love, aren't we?”

“Yeah, we really are.”

Steve kisses his forehead and he closes his eyes.

 

 

 

It’s ok. Everything is fine. He’s here with Steve. Steve isn’t panicking so neither should he. He’s been on so many trains before. Hell, he’d once traveled on _top_ of a train to avoid detection. These is absolutely no reason to panic right now. He’s fine.

The train shifts and jostles a few people closer to him and Steve and he stiffens. He was wrong. He’s really not fine. The opposite of fine actually.

It’s all too much, too fast. People are closing in on him. They’re watching him as he starts to breathe heavier. His chest hurts and he needs to find the fastest exit point. He spots it but there isn’t a clear line. He’ll have to shove through all these people. He needs out. There’s no air. He needs out _now_.

“...you with me, Buck? Bucky?”

Steve. Steve is here, holding Bucky’s hand like an oversize kid afraid of big crowds. Everything’s fine. Steve is here which means he’s safe. Bucky is safe. He’s definitely not freaking out.

“Yeah,” he somehow chokes out. “Just...some mild... discomfort.”

“One more stop and we’re out of here, I promise.” Steve squeezes his hand, but Bucky’s already fading again.

There are too many people pressed entirely too close to him. Steve thought he was ready for the train, but, boy, was he wrong. Bucky could go the rest of his life without ever having this experience again. Too many smells, too many people to watch. What if someone got Steve while he’s watching his own back? The guy behind Steve looks shady as fuck. He keeps eyeing him up whenever Steve’s attention is on Bucky. He’s probably waiting for an opening when both of them are distracted. As he watches, the man reaches inside his jacket and Bucky tenses. His attention shifts from Steve to Bucky and drops the hand down to his belt instead, reaching for a hidden gun or knife -

“You’re thinking too hard.” Steve’s chuckling, but he won’t be laughing when Bucky punches him.

Shady guy perks up when he hears Steve’s voice and grins. “Um, excuse me, Captain America, sir, I’m a huge fan.”

Steve puts on his public smile and starts to turn to the man when the train jolts, throwing the person beside Bucky into his arms and forcing his and Steve’s hands apart.

“Oh! I’m sorry! Looks like I fell for you.”

Bucky straightens the person before looking for Steve. Where is he? How could he have disappeared so fast? He only let go for sixteen fucking seconds -

“Bucky.” He turns at the sound to see Steve moving through the crowd - at least six people away. “I’m here. It’s ok. You didn’t lose me.”

Bucky grasps his hands just as the voice overhead declares they’re at their stop.

“Sorry, some people fell back there and I had to help them.”

Bucky pulls him out of the train and toward the closest exit. He needs to be out _right now_ before he starts pulling out guns on civilians.

“Bucky, stop. No need to leave so fast. The train isn’t going to chase us.”

He doesn’t stop until they’re out in the sun and in a somewhat less crowded area.

Rounding on Steve, he threatens, “Don’t _ever_ make me go on one of those again.”

“Ok, I won’t.”

Steve’s ok. He’s safe. He’s still here. No more shady men encroaching on his space.

Steve pulls him into his arms and holds him close. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You won’t ever get rid of me.”

“Really?” With his heartbeat slowing, he feels safe in the arms of the man he loves.

“Really. I’m planning on getting old and wrinkly with you. I’m not going to leave you again. I promise.”

 

 

 

Bucky sits at the base of the biggest tree in the park closest to Avengers Tower, his eyes closed. His fingers are carding through Steve’s hair, said man has his head resting in Bucky’s lap. They’re enjoying both the shade and the warm breeze. It’s rare to find alone time nowadays, with Steve out on missions more often than not and Bucky training to be one of the team. When Steve is home, Bucky is either at the gym or in his mandatory counseling sessions. When Bucky is home, Steve is away or at the gym. They just happen to keep missing each other.

“I missed this,” Steve mumbles. “I’ve missed you.”

Bucky smiles fondly. “It’s only been two weeks since our last date.”

“I can’t believe our dates are just napping or sitting in the park. Or both. Does that mean we’re officially old?” Bucky’s eyes are still closed, but he can hear the grin in Steve’s voice.

“Not old, just tired, I think. We deserve to nap all the time with what we’ve been through.”

Bucky can feel the weight of Steve’s gaze on him, but refuses to open his eyes yet.

“Has anyone told you you look beautiful like this?” Steve asks.

“Only you. About a hundred times today. In various positions.”

Steve shifts in his lap and sits up. He kisses Bucky softly before standing. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.”

Bucky stays and actually debates taking a nap. He’s about two seconds from falling asleep when he hears Steve approach. He’s laughing quietly as he places something on Bucky’s head. He opens his eyes and squints up at Steve. He looks like an actual god in this lighting. Bucky almost forgets to breathe.

“So pretty.” Steve’s grinning and why the fuck is he so attractive?

Bucky reaches up to grab whatever Steve put on his head. A flower crown. Made of daisies. He puts it back in place, shaking his head.

“I’m not even going to ask where you learned how to make flower crowns.”

Steve returns to his place resting on Bucky’s lap. “Would you believe me if I said it was Nat?”

“You’re kidding.” Bucky stares blankly at him. No way.\

“Apparently, Wade and his kid roped her into it and she insisted I learn so she didn’t feel so girly. Something about sharing the pain.”

“I refuse to believe that Nat could make something so delicate.” Bucky tries and fails to imagine his deadly best friend even holding a flower.

“Almost as hard to believe my deadly assassin boyfriend is wearing a flower crown.”

“Just imagine the headline. Captain America tames the Winter Soldier with flowers.”

Steve laughs. “That’s such a lame headline.”

“Captain America makes the Winter Soldier cry.”

“Why are you such a dork? You’re lucky I love you.”

“I really am, aren’t I?”

 

 

 

Steve’s never really been one to show when he’s hurting. He would always keep it bottled up until he actually collapsed from whatever injury he had. Bucky knows how to handle physically injured or sick Steve. But he doesn’t know how to help him when Steve is mentally hurting. Steve never had these problems before the war and even if he had, there was a severe lack of information about mental disorders back then. Sure, it existed, but no one talked about things like depression and PTSD.

Through Sam, Bucky knows that both he and Steve (and most of their friends) have those, but he didn’t realize how it affected everyone differently. When everything becomes too overwhelming, he starts to feel numb. He pushes people away without meaning to and doesn’t speak for days. Sam calls them ‘depressive episodes,’ Steve calls them ‘bad days.’ And Steve stays with him to make sure he doesn’t do anything he’d regret when it passes. If it weren’t for Steve, Bucky would most likely be dead from simply not caring to eat.

Bucky thinks Steve does it to be near enough to stop him from killing someone.

Steve insists he does it to be close enough to stop Bucky from hurting himself.

Steve keeps him alive on his bad days so it’s Bucky’s responsibility to do the same for him.

Except Steve must have very few bad days compared to Bucky’s since he’s been unbrainwashed because this is the first time it’s happened and Bucky has no idea what to do.

Steve has been asleep for thirteen hours and there’s no sign he’s waking anytime soon. Bucky has tried to wake him six times with no success. Steve just groans a little and turns in his sleep. This wouldn’t be concerning for anybody but a man who only sleeps an average of five hours a night to feel fully rested. Bucky is tempted to call Sam, but a quick Google search tells him excessive sleeping is a sign of depression.

Over the next few days, Steve only leaves the bed on Bucky’s insistence that he at least shower if he’s going to be a lazy ass. That gets a small smile from Steve that has Bucky sighing in relief. Steve will be ok.

“Why are you doing this?” Steve’s voice has taken on a flat tone that worries Bucky. The younger man is known for his cheery attitude and not hearing it means Steve must be feeling terrible (or not feeling at all).

Bucky hands him the tea he read about online that is supposed to make you feel better. “Because I care.”

“I’m so sorry, Buck.” He takes a small sip from the cup. “I don’t know why this is still happening. I’m _happy_. You’re back. No one is in danger right now. We’re safe. What’s wrong with me?”

He sounds so _broken_ , it scares Bucky. “Hey, it’s not your fault. I’m still gonna be here when it’s over. I know what this is like, remember?”

“Do you ever feel like your heart actually hurts? Like it’s breaking even though nothing is wrong?”

Bucky lies next to him and makes himself comfortable. “That’s what I’m here for, right? I’m not going to let any hearts break around here.”

Steve is quiet for a bit. Bucky curls himself into his side, hoping his presence if enough for him.

“Thanks, Buck.”

“No need to thank me for being a decent person, Stevie.”

Steve threads his fingers through Bucky’s. “I love you.”

“Love you too babe.”

 

 

 

“You two are disgusting.”

“You’re just jealous you aren’t getting any.”

“Well I’m sorry me and Pepper aren’t nymphomaniacs.”

“Using big words doesn’t make you sound smarter, you just sound like a pretentious dick.”

“Wow, I didn’t know you knew any words with more than seven letters.”

“Do you ever get tired of the shit that comes out of your mouth?”

“Alright, ladies.” Steve moves from his position between Bucky’s legs (the best place for Steve, in Bucky’s opinion) on the floor and drops onto the couch next to him. “The head massage was nice, but anymore bickering and I might get jealous.”

“As if I’d stoop to Robocop’s level.” Tony scoffs. “I have standards.”

Bucky laughs and throws an arm around Steve’s shoulders. “You’d have to get over yourself first.”

“How do you put up with him, Steve?” Tony asks.

“Tolerance.” Steve returns to playing whatever video game Clint convinced him to play - something about animals escaping a zoo.

Bucky smirks. “Tolerance for my-”

“I really don’t need to hear the rest of that sentence.” Tony stands, making his way to the bar. “You have a knack for making me want to drink myself into oblivion.”

The elevator dings and Sam steps out with his phone pressed to his ear.

“What can I say? I’m good with my mouth.” Steve snickers at Bucky’s words.

Sam pauses. “Do I want to know?”

“No. Just know if you find me later with no ears and blood everywhere, he’s the reason why,” Tony comments.

Sam shakes his head and motions for Bucky to come with him. “Nat wants you for training.”

“Duty calls.” Bucky kisses Steve’s temple so as to not distract him from his game. “Love you babe.”

“Go kick some ass.” He pauses his game to grin as Bucky stands. “But not too hard. Don’t be too sore for tonight.”

Bucky winks. “I’m never too sore for that.”

“They’re so gross,” Sam groans. “It’s like hearing your parents talking about sex.”

Bucky opens his mouth to reply when Tony cuts him off. “Please. Leave. Before you make me really regret letting you stay here.”

“You know you love me.”

“No, I really don’t.”


End file.
